I need to do something here, and I'm not even sure why I need to do it. But I do. My soul tells me that I do, and that's my guidance system. So I start typing...
I've been moving through the emotions associated with a breakup for the past few months, and I've been relatively quiet about it, because I felt a bunch of shame.
The things I did right, in my tally, were that I showed up in a way that I could be more proud of than ever and I loved, uninhibited. I loved him as is. I was excited to love him. You see, I've been trying to "get it right" as a female for a long time, so I've been keeping my own tally.
Yeah. The judgement of my female-ness came early in my life externally, and then, at some point early on, I internalized it. After my marriage, I set out to never be that emasculating woman that I had been again, and to walk toward the divine feminine. This is a lovely goal, but I see now, I was still keeping score of myself.
"Am I doing it well enough yet??" That kind of question.
I think I did. I think I was doing it, and, this other soul simply did not say yes to the invitation, or that was the soul contract - clearly. Soul mate contracts are tricky business.
But I was doing it - I was in a relationship where I was giving, and where I was trusting - more than ever - and I was foolish.
Now, I also read Tarot, and the Fool, you might know, is not all bad. The Fool meets the moment, is willing to flow, encourages lightheartedness. In my case, I was open, feeling things I'd never felt before, completely laying down my protections, learning to lean in, and then - poof.
He was gone. I was making plans to move forward and he was making an escape route.
As far as I can tell, it was all divine. I'm not writing about it now because I'm needing help working through it - that's not it. I'm through, actually, for the most part. This fool learned to love wholeheartedly, without my standard layer of protection, and it was enough to catapult me into an entirely new stage of self-love, one where the tally doesn't exist anymore.
I'm writing about it because for a year of my life, I gave of myself and I allowed myself to be silenced, and for this I feel shame. And a part of my voice stays stuck.
As the feminine, I feel shame for having been kept secret while I was so. fucking. divine. while he told me he was moving toward a divorce. I feel shame for not listening to my instincts and stand up for myself earlier. And I feel shame for still feeling shame.
Shame is a shit show.
So much of this is going to release when I hit "post."
What I crave more than anything, what my soul craves, is authenticity - pure, raw, love-filled authenticity. Something in my voice is caught since this happened, and it simply can't stay that way. I think this is the remedy.
I can't sit with you and talk about what I know of love, the feminine, the masculine, if I can't also own this story of my life. I was keeping it quiet as a favor, because there was weird secrecy the whole time, and, that even feels shameful. Because I never promised to lie, and I never promised to keep my story untold. And I'll respect that he doesn't want his story shared, but where it overlaps with mine, well, I will respectfully choose what to do with that.
And what I know is that I've not been talking about related topics, ones I love, because they intersected here.
Done. I am releasing the shame that lives in silence now.
I am a warrior for love. For truth, and for divine union. I am a warrior for the sacred feminine and the sacred masculine. I am a warrior, still, for the masculine that both yearns for deep love but guards his own heart, for the masculine that craves the feminine but doesn't know her presence when it's in front of him, for the masculine that chooses fear over love.
Maybe it's foolish, but I already told you I'm okay with that.
I have been hurt by the masculine and feminine both, and I am in service to both, and I will do this work still, because the history of my body and soul has written on it the story of this suffering, as likely does yours. I have felt it and deeply investigated it each step of the way.
I am a warrior for the actualization of the divine feminine and masculine, in spite of and because of my own story. I don't hate. Fuck, I don't even fault - the problem is so much bigger than each of us. And therefore, the antidote is that we must love now, bigger than each of us. I've felt hurt, but I LOVE still, and more bravely than ever.
Shoo. That feels really fucking good to say. This warrior needed to get that off her chest. There's work to be done.