Trauma creates a brain game. In the system with trauma, the brain is always asking, "Am I safe? In this moment, am I safe?"
The thing about a trauma-brain is that the answer is often no. Based on previous personal experience and memory, one does not feel safe in that moment, even though, outwardly, all signs might point to actual safety.
This is why you get a student in school who absolutely refuses to listen to a teacher when the teacher actively tries to love the student. The student's brain is already programmed against school.
This is why you find that a lover just may not be able to connect to you, and says things to you that aren't true about you, but they're bringing up their past.
This also might be you that does this.
I know it's been me. Scanning for "Is this really safe? Is this relationship going to prove all of those old theories?"
I'm watching right now as women play out their traumas against men, and vise versa. It's a long walk ahead of us, collectively, as we learn to pause to assess true safety of the actual moment versus projected threat.
Trauma is a fucking brain game, of assessing threat on a constant basis.
The beautiful thing, is that with continued healing, the patterns become clear. The little places we keep ourselves locked up in order to stay safe - they present themselves. When we greet those places, continually, with love, gentleness, and understanding, as we would an innocent child, those places heal. Safety is restored.
And then, a beautiful thing happens. We live from the heart instead of the trauma-brain head. And therefore, I really believe, that healing trauma is the route to true connection.
You can't get out of the head and into the heart until your head will allow you to. But then, when it does, and you find it doesn't rule you anymore, your heart is online and the connection that traumatized system wanted all along is available to you.
So often, in an effort to remain safe, you stay disconnected. If trauma is a scan for threat, it is a scan that is blocking love, connection, and intimacy.
Keep going. Keep healing. You can do it and you are beautiful.