I think that some might call this inspiration I’m following in this moment a risk in career suicide.
So I’ll take a deep breath. And of course I’ll continue.
A strong personality and I’d say influential man in the Asheville community approached me just after New Year’s to potentially work with him and his wife through some really old patterns in their relationship. I appreciated the absolutely direct nature of the conversation - that’s my style and I find that I can often speak to men easily in this way. And then he dove in even further and asked about my personal relationship status. He wanted to know if I, personally, was involved in a long term sustainable relationship.
And I think I laughed out loud and said, “Well, my own relationship was new and soulful and the deepest I’d ever known and it is also suffering a death at the moment.” I explained that I seem to be on a soulmate path. One reader even told me two years ago that I am clearing soulmate karma in this lifetime. So, longterm? No. Rich and deeply meaningful. I could write a book.
I didn’t hear back from him for a while - the potential client or this man I had been in relationship with. And in that time, as I would be known to do, I dove in.
Asking what’s his, what’s mine. Looking in that mirror when blame and hurt and projection wanted to point fingers. (Still want to point fingers.) Asking for reflection from those I trust and from myself. Begging for the truth to be revealed already. Crying. Like never before. Being honest. Like never before. Because holy shit, I never thought I’d be here again, and here I am, so the lesson is mine.
The opportunity is always our own. That’s a soul mate thing I’ve learned. Just one among many. Our relationships are mirrors, tools for reflection and learning, should we take it.
And, I felt shame! Primarily shame because I am a damn couples coach and I love soul union and here I am with the relationship failure? Shame shame shit show shame. Hi ego. Ugh. Looking back, retracing my steps, looking at where I took major, major risk and wondering if I’d do it all again.
I absolutely would. This man is my favorite. Still. I have a pile of hurt and I imagine he must be hurting too. But I honor where we are. Sure as shit. Because this is, apparently, what we came for. (And yes, eye roll. This shit is not fun - this stuff of soul evolution.)
But this is rich, and we came for rich. We didn’t come for perfect or fancy - we came for real. Because real is evolution material. I came for real. For damn sure. So why am I worrying about how I’ll be perceived in my business if I’m not also walking a perfect relationship path? Because… we punish ourselves for not being perfect, we worry about what others think, and we feel shame when we think we’re supposed to know a thing. Damn self judgement. Hi ego. Hi feelings of inadequacy. Hi thing that’s going to grow me.
We used a language of soul, he and I. We knew some of the bigger why of why we thought we were here. It was like we were given an assignment at first, not like a love story. We soul-recognized one another before there was any actual feeling for one another. It didn’t make any sense in the mind or in society. It shook foundations of what relationship should look like. And we said a mutual Yes.
You say Yes to you and your evolution, not to what you think it will look like. Oops.
The entire time, I said while I realized it, “Oh, nothing old paradigm is going to work here.” And time and time again, as old paradigm behaviors would come up between us, BOOM, they just didn’t work and we needed to course correct. And we did. Until a big Boom. Taking place center stage in real time in my life.
While I work with couples.
While I say I understand men and women and patterns. So, oops?
Here’s what I know. Old ways of relating are not working anymore. If he and I had stayed conscious (in the middle of the holidays and giant outside stressors - that would have been a miracle, god help us) as to how our giant core wounds were fired up in the moment we combusted, we would be operating in a new paradigm. And that’s what I’m advocating for. Hell, my insides are ripped apart but I’d still do it with this man. That’s what I’m saying. He’s my favorite man (sorry men) and we knew what we came to do and we still fucked it up. This shit is hard.
I’m a coach, yes, and a badass one. I love fiercely. I’m a conscious woman. And I still have my own shit. We all do. It’s how we navigate it that matters. I’m advocating that we navigate it consciously.
If we come to relationship in the old paradigm, we are unconsciously looking for someone to fill our needs (fear-based) and in new paradigm, we still do that because holy shit we are human, but there are skills in consciousness for us all to hone.
I see the way that two peoples’ patterns play off of one another. I see the projection of core wound shit as the “coach” in a client relationship. I don’t want to coach my own relationship. I want to be a woman free to make some mistakes and be loved anyway and live in a celebration of love and mutual growth (no problem, and btw, me dealing with that shame and loving myself in exactly this way is like numero uno on the to do list for this to happen in any relationship).
And I know, because people say it all the time when I’m working with them, “We couldn’t see what you saw in us” and because I just did it, that we can’t always see the patterns while we’re in them. What we can do, again, holy shit, and again, is come to the table consciously. There are skills. I know them. I teach them. Most of the time I live them.
So of course, for a little extra kicker in this whole life lesson game, this potential client and his wife decided to look for someone else who has successfully maintained a long term relationship. Ugh.
And then it hit me as the shame shit show clouds parted (and there’s a lot of soul searching, energy clearing, truth seeking, present-moment sitting going on over here, trust me) - hell yes I have the right to work with couples even though my relationship combusted. Hell yes. More than ever. It combusted because of what I’ve seen and studied for yeeeaaaarrrrsssss - we ALL hold core wounding that is in part due to separation and inadequacy, and in part related to the archetypal collective wounding of the masculine and feminine. He suffered certain beliefs his whole life because he is a man and me because I am a woman. It’s the same damn things we see all the time, and it’s why I work with couples at all - because our collective trauma will be present in relationship, and union can heal it the FASTEST of any other way when two beings are both on board. I know this, trust this, and believe in this. It’s that complex and that simple. It is time now for us to not identify with our wounding anymore, as a collective, and step into using new paradigm, next level skills in relating.
I can teach those. I may not live them in every moment when I’m triggered and hot damn, what a relief to not have to be perfect. I was trying to be the perfect woman for… oh… a while now and dear me, I’m going to love myself more now. May we all love ourselves more now.
I’m not above it all and I’ve done a ton of personal work. Both are true. If you think you’re above it, fuck you. You’re not. Yeah I just said that. And I fucking love you, but be real already.
We can get caught up in all we think we know, how much work we’ve done, how badass we are, how much we’ve studied - and we’re still human. And our human collective is suffering right now, and I am ready to serve it. Because this pain sucks.
Enough separation. Enough inadequacy. Enough separation. Enough enough enough.
I teach it because I live it. Call it the wounded healer or whatever else you feel a need to judge and label, or maybe y’all are just fine and I’m the one judging myself. Maybe no one was even questioning this! And… here’s a look at my insides anyway.
A death in my relationship is heart wrenching. But I didn’t come to this work, this coaching, this living according to purpose and heart and soul, and leave a career that gave me a steady paycheck, because I never fell down and learned from it. Ha. That’s kind of the entire point to my whole gig. I’m just “in it,” people, and every time I’m in it, guess what, I’ve got SO. MUCH. MORE. to bring to you. Because while I’m in it, I’m looking around, noticing what it’s like to be in it, learning at turbo speed.
My programs are for those going through. For when you know that what you are doing is no longer working and so you get some help with your own firey, risky, authentic journey. When you want your relationship to stop going round and round and you want the patterns of patriarchy imprinted on your own bones and in your own partnership to go ahead and transmute. Heal already.
When you cry, “ENOUGH!” and you remember “I AM ENOUGH” and want to actually live it (which is a love journey, btw).
My programs are rich. Full. Loving. Fierce. Will provide you skills and healing. My programs are also igniting. I’ve never said this before in print - they are actually an initiation. They are alchemizing. These are magic words - old, ancient words. These programs are catalysts for change, and when you sign up for them, you will be changed. I’m like a walking catalyst and you will be presented with your own shadow when you know me. And sometimes that’s terrible for my personal relationships because… nothing can hide… but that’s also a damn gift. I hold a fiercely loving space for my people. And their lives change. It’s like having fingers that shoot fire and I have to learn all the time how to use these things and where not to point. But it makes for some highly effective life coaching. Don’t worry. There is no shooting of fire. But I will love the hell out of you.
I’m calling us all forward. I don’t do this work because I’m perfect. I do it because it’s needed, because my Soul has known this pain and loss and my Soul is also poised, rather absurdly sometimes, to be willing to learn again and again and come back again and again and show up. With you and for you.
So yeah. Life doesn’t go as planned sometimes. And we all suffer our old patterns until we don’t. And we go through. In love, embracing it all, we go through.
If you and your partner are struggling with how to share personal truth, a new program was born from my personal reflection these past few weeks. Four weeks, Feb, 6 couples only, bravely investigating the question of how we safely share personal truth inside a conscious union. See the event calendar page of my website and send me a PM.