A Soul Truth Unfolds
Your Truth does not have to be pretty
Or be packaged neatly
Your Truth may spit at first
Get stuck on the grit of things still working their way through to grace
Your Truth does not have to be polished
Or perfectly presented
Because, woman, you have done the pleasing.
And in your meekness,
A meekness you didn't even intend,
In your efforts to not upset,
To avoid reaction
You know you’ll always find you haven’t claimed all you know to be true about a thing.
Systemic oppression of women’s voices lives in your throat and mine.
And I wish we could say we’ve overcome it
And goodness knows I’ve been trying
But when My Truth I hold
Proved to be powerful enough this past year
That before I knew it, I had become a threat to three men close to me
And they had each threatened to sue me to subdue my story,
I know that we have not.
Two of them wanted full access to my body,
But they were not okay with me having full access to my story
For fear that I might share what happened and how they saw themselves there.
A fear of betrayal that projected fear unsafely onto me
Without justification other than I speak Truth
To cover up their behavior
They made me the enemy
Men who said they loved me and I believe they did, who knew my child
Who once planned a future with me
Threatened my security
And I don’t know physical abuse
But I know the effect of betrayal and threat of survival as it takes hold of a woman’s body
To allow men trust and access to be seen as the threat
And then directly oppressed,
I know the silence that comes from such threat
And I know it’s taken me three months to find the courage to break it.
Or maybe it was a lifetime.
Or maybe it was more.
And I know that some women never do break it.
So that’s why I do.
So that you can give yourself permission to be messy too.
When a woman’s Truth is something others prefer not to hear, and they can’t bear to think of the true things you might say, they seek to control the woman.
I know this because I am a truth teller and so I would be challenged this way.
I am done with the karma that allowed me to get into situations
Where my Truth could be subdued
My Truth, My Body, My Words, My Choice.
But there are more subversive threats of silence, women,
Some self inflicted
Some from other women
What are yours?
This is not new
This is embedded
And we are breaking cycles now
And don't pretend that if you've allowed yourself to raise your voice
You are somehow living your whole Truth
We are all walking this still.
Women are walking this disentanglement still.
The default of silence or fear of suppression affects how we even know our own Truth.
How we access it at all
Such that we don’t even know ourselves as well as we could.
As a woman I know how my voice
Lodges in my throat
How my Truth stagnates if I don’t free it
How it has been rarely asked for or respected in this lifetime
I know my father won’t have a relationship with me because I’ve chosen to tell my story.
I know what it is to be a professional and to have the qualifying letters behind my name and still lack the confidence to speak my Truth as I see it in a room of men.
I know the way men can choose not to listen to a woman
Or disconnect wisdom when presented in a woman’s tone.
I know how boys hear male voices differently, regardless of what is being said.
I know what it’s like to assume that all wisdom will fail you
When the spotlight comes on
To choke on your own self doubt
To watch men with less to say
Say more and say it clearer and earn more
And with the confidence handed them with their privilege,
To wonder what it would be like to unleash my Voice in the same confident way.
All I have inside me to say.
I imagine that it would be a force powerful enough to shift the tides,
Women’s voices confident as we rise.
I am a thirty eight year old woman who has quested
My entire life
To lend myself personal permission to live in my own Truth,
And I still know every single one of these things and more to be true.
The reasons we deny our own Truth.
I still know the fear of pissing someone off.
Of being perceived as emotional first
Of sending the imperfect email full of raw request
And Truth as I see it
And fearing in my entire being of another of his disconnected, hurtful replies.
Such that I nearly immediately apologize for being messy.
And then I watch that apology and that fear and that inability to speak my Truth and be heard and I think, Oh.
Oh woman, stop speaking to deaf ears.
Our Truth, Women, does not have to sound pretty.
It does not have to be pretty.
It can be unclear
You get to be angry
To tell an angry Truth
And it would not surprise me if you’ve never allowed your rage to speak
Because where could you?
Did you even think to?
We can hold it for you now. With you. Beside you.
Your Truth does not have to be sweet
You have enough reasons that it wouldn’t be.
All the permissions are yours now
You get to have your Truth, know it, claim it, speak it when the time is right.
You decide to give yourself the permission
To untame the Truth of yourself
To claim the truth of your body and story
To open your entire being WIDE.
If you give yourself this permission now, and it feels aligned, I am inviting you to participate in a Women's Truth Activation online circle. We begin 4/4. You will own and gain your Truth here in this safe, powerful, beautiful container.
Connect with me. You know what to do when it is time to rise.