Help, forgiveness, grace
For my birthday this year, I gave myself some gifts.
First, I asked for help.
Second, I let myself be fully seen by those that love me.
And third (I’m still working on this one), I decided to love myself anyway.
I would have said that I loved myself, but then a wave of deep “Who am I and how did I get here?” swept in. A coming undone, if you will. Stay tuned for the blog post.
Have all the decisions I’ve made in the last year been wise? No. Have all the decisions at the time been made with best intention? Yes.
I have messed up before, for certain, as we all do, and grappled with the judgement of others. This time, the judgement was primarily my own. I’m not sure I messed up, but maybe I did along the way, and how do I sit with myself when I mess up?
Did I have integrity when I made the decision to leave my job?
Did I have integrity when I decided to speak up or not speak up about injustices?
Did I have integrity when I made the decision to risk my family’s home if my business wasn’t sustainable?
Did I have integrity when I allowed myself to say yes to a complicated love?
I think so.
But I’m still wading through all that and back to self love.
I was talking with a close friend last week about this process (the asking for help part) and I said, “I had good intentions.” To which he jokingly replied, “Well you know what they say about the road to hell.”
I love a friend who will sit with you in your mess. And dear me, I’m blessed with many. While I work out my own relationship with my self-judgement, and self-acceptance, and the mess in between, I look around to see that I have tribe and that perhaps this is the very richness of life.
I am blessed to be witnessed and loved anyway. I am blessed to have women who spend my birthday witnessing me shedding layers of woman shame and claiming my soul. To have those friends that listen to every decision I’ve made and remove their judgement from their response, and to genuinely reflect back to me even the things I don’t want to hear. I am grateful to be seen.
I recently answered an exercise in B School about what people often thank me for. I realize, it’s all of that in the last paragraph - it’s my willingness to “go there,” to hold a space for the deepest of truths, to leave judgement at the door, to sit with someone in the mess, to support the authenticity and transformation. Now I just get to really practice on myself.
All of you is welcome here.
All of me is too.
Be gentle with yourself. If I can support you in and through your mess, it is my honor to do so. Set up a free consultation here.