The turners of the tide

On being a woman and rising

Woman do not make excuses for him.

He is showing you what he can do.

Woman do not make assumptions of him.

You are sure to underestimate.

Woman do not heal for him.

You have been waiting on you your whole life.

Woman do not wait for him.

He knows where you are going and he’ll go with you if he chooses.

Woman do not carry him.

Not when the weight is disproportionate.

Woman do not threaten him.

He carries the fear of mothers’ threats forever as it is.  

Woman do not chase him.

It only leaves you further from yourself.

Woman do not betray him.

When you do you betray half of yourself.

Woman do not shame him.

Surely we do not need any more fear between us.

Woman do not give up on him.

If you do, your sons will feel it.

Woman do not lay down for him.

Not anymore. Not like this.

Woman do not stop loving him.

The heart of the world needs your love and he is in it.

Woman do not stereotype him.

You know better than to be unfair.

Woman do not hide your eyes.

Meet his. Meet mine.

Woman do not give up on love.

Your bitterness serves nothing.

Woman do not forget your divinity.

You know how to heal and nurture and forgive and rise again.

Woman do not stop. Do not stop.

Do not worry and do not stop.

Surely, surely, we know we are the turners of the tide.


I don't care if you believe me. I am a woman. So is she.

Perhaps the bravest thing I’ve ever seen is a man leaning into the feminine mystery. Because the feminine mystery, if I must spell it out, is the most powerful force in all of nature.

The forceful conquer and control of men is not the most powerful force in nature. It is a farce the world has fallen for.

With all the examples of fear we’ve got, with all the men who have told us to stay small, attempted to discern from some perceived vantage point whether or not a woman is credible, I am also experiencing the opposite.

Sweet relief.

Neither trying to dominate or diminish or run - a man who wants to explore the mystery. Who bows to it. Who asks to learn more.

Lusty women are forever being told that we’re too much. Men, really, you are still trying most often to shame us for our sexuality or conquer it. You’re bullshitting yourself if you disagree, I’ll debate you on it.

Or, you often run and don’t even try. Or you dominate in such a way that the true power and lust never comes out of her. So sad for us all. So sad for this world.

If any of you try that conquering bit here, and some of you have, what you find is a mirror so clear that your own fear will conquer you. And you never even touch the mystery.

I’ve seen it. Oh have I seen it. It's so sad.

Until I was surprised. Until a man stood steady, acknowledging his shaky knees while coming ever closer to the ocean of me.

Ask me what I’ll do for a man who has leaned in to whisper: I am here to ensure that you, woman, come completely unleashed.


The ocean of me. Invited into as infinite a space as needed. He will hold me.

This is the place the masculine holds for the feminine, if he is able. Men, take some lessons here.

His intimidation he acknowledges, but exhilaration replaces any fright. Seeing and valuing the role of the feminine at this time, and not only believing her, but holding her up. Creating space for her to be bold in a world that so often does the opposite.


He craves to swim in the waters of the feminine unleashed.

You all do.
Men, I promise you, you all do.

And you repressors, you men who think that you can control this wave of the feminine divine rising, you stand no chance. Your tight brains and your wild dicks inside your expensive suits will be your own destruction. You will die in the house of your own fear. Do your work. Do your damn work. I still believe you can. I believe you must.

I have offered to help. I've got an ocean of feminine receptivity. But that sounds wild to you, doesn't it? You must be able to find yourself in the waters untamed.

It requires being brave enough to stand in the ocean of the feminine that, yes, is bigger than you. Wider, vaster, and different. You have another value. There is another way. You will never find it so long as you spend your time attempting to control this ocean.

Unleash, Women, unleash. Be wide. Be vast. Be your lusty, uncontrollable selves. If there's not a man around who can hold that for you, be that with other women. Be it now.

We will teach the men how to come along. We need them. Some of you are showing you are ready. Thank you.

Perhaps the bravest thing I’ve ever seen is a man leaning into the feminine mystery.

I am looking for the examples of men who are encouraging the mystery now.


The Shadow Side of Resilience

I talk a lot about resiliency. It’s what I coach and it’s what I fall back on. Resiliency is the ability to bounce back from adversity, it allows you to know that we’ll be okay even through hardship, and it is the thing that keeps you asking, “What can I learn from this?” even when you find yourself steeped in troubled thoughts or conditions.

Mindfulness is a tool for resiliency, as mindfulness allows us to pause, see beyond the current moment in a meta-view, and regulate ourselves to keep on. We need to be able to identify our emotional state before we can hope to regulate our emotions, otherwise we are swept away with them. We need to be able to recognize the cyclical nature of our thoughts, otherwise we believe them to constantly be true and they run us.

Healthy resiliency is certainly an asset. It affords you choice, it ensures that you’ll get the job done, that you are accountable. You can accept that, well, it is what it is, and you can keep on doing what’s needed. Those of us who are resilient also often know ourselves very well. We’ve sat with ourselves closely. These traits of resilience are sometimes inherent and also can be trained, but I’m pretty sure that most resilient people have done a lot of personal work. The world is full of adversity. If you are responding well, then you’ve done some work.  

I have immense amounts of gratitude for my own resilience. As a quality, it is the essence of my inner badass, and oh how I love my inner badass. I am accountable and responsible, I am attuned and creative, I am mother, partner, homeowner, school administrator and creator, business creator, group facilitator, individual coach. I am fierce and loving both. Without some relatively hard-won resilience, I know for a fact that those things wouldn’t be possible. There was a day when anxiety dominated, when adrenal fatigue caused collapse. There was a day even before that in my early twenties when alcoholism was a real possibility, it was in my genes, and I looked in the mirror and chose a different path. There was a day when I was a fighter, battling for my voice, and my personal advocacy was pretty one-sided.

Because, you see, resiliency is the ability to deal with adversity, but it is often the result of having to deal with adversity. Many of us have had others - parents, siblings, teachers - confirm limitations or inadequacies that we spend our entire lives either believing or untangling. Sometimes it’s worse than that, and the adversity is higher - no food in the house, a parent that screamed and hit, emotional abuse confusingly disguised as care.

And so, therefore, if we become resilient and are able to bounce back, there may also be a shadow side to our resiliency. And maybe because we just had a lunar eclipse in the fierce sign of Leo, these days I am examining the shadow to the fierceness of resiliency.

If you are fierce, you can take care of things. You’ve got it. And yet you may have a lot of trouble asking for help.

If you are independent, you know you can rely on yourself, and you also may be prone to being more alone.

If you are a badass, you may take on too much, because you know you will always handle whatever is in front of you.

Maybe you left an unfulfilling marriage because you remembered who you were before all of that, and you’ve done a lot of personal work, but how are you at being in relationship? How are you at accepting love?

Maybe you have learned to use your voice that so often before felt quieted, but it often still sounds like a bark.

Maybe you are so used to handling it on your own that you are embarrassed or completely unnerved to share how it is you really feel.

The shadow side of resiliency is also the shadow side of the #metoo or feminine rising movement - we risk isolation when we begin speaking up against what is unjust. We risk creating separation as we name what we will no longer tolerate. This is happening so much that the menfolk are now afraid. We need to maintain dialogue, maintain our heart, as we establish our ferocity.

I am a big, big fan of ferocity. Don’t get me wrong. If we are resilient, we are strong. If we are strong, we may misinterpret that to mean there’s got to be a fight. There doesn’t need to be a fight; that’s the shadow. That’s the part to lean in and heal.

The shadow side of resiliency, of always having the ability to rise, is that it is assumed you always will. Resiliency can make it seem like you can handle anything, because you can, or you will. You will always do what is needed. You will figure shit out.

Women are insanely resilient. As inherently nurturing as we are, we are likely going to pick up the children from school, even though we want to collapse, come home, make nourishing (or close to nourishing) food, and provide a quality activity. We’ll make sure everyone knows they are loved and probably read them a bedtime story. We’ll make sure to check in with our friend that’s been having a difficult time. That pile of bills you hesitate to open? You’ll figure that shit out, too, when it’s necessary. The work emails? You’ll wake up at five tomorrow morning to get to them so maybe you can get a robust-enough seven hours of sleep.

Being resilient can save your ass. But it also has a shadow. You can be resilient and handle anything, but can you also risk vulnerability? Can you ask for help? Can you learn to reciprocate a healthy love?

We often earn our resiliency because we needed to rise; it wasn’t an option. We have trauma. We overcame the hard stuff. Somehow, through it all, we held onto the essence of who we are and who we want to be. Most importantly, we listened to that voice inside of us that said that anything less than true survival and rising wasn’t acceptable.

First, resiliency. Then, we learn to soften. We learn to listen. We learn what we are holding at arm’s length because in the past, it wasn’t safe to let anyone any closer than that.

Resiliency carries us through. When we integrate the shadow of resiliency, the shadow side that sounds something like, “I’ll take care of it,” “The only person I know I can count on is myself,” “No one else shows up anyway,” we are able to be resilient and whole. Resilient and loving. Resilient and resourced.

Integration is required. Vulnerability is required. A little practice involving trust and surrender. Sometimes, those lessons are much harder than maintaining the fight. Vulnerability, trust, and surrender - those are strengths beyond mere survival.

Beyond surviving, there’s thriving. You didn’t come this far to hold on to the pain of what built your resiliency. You came to thrive as you, your most authentic self, free of burden, free of limitation. Integrated. It is possible. Just keep leaning in.

Written Feb 2018